Paul, of Taursus, told us in his second letter to the Corinthians that he had a “thorn in his flesh” to keep him from becoming too proud. We are never told anything more about it, although it has been a subject of much speculation among biblical scholars.
It may have been a physical infirmary, causing literal pain. It might have been a sense of guilt for his previous persecution of the followers of Christ, before his own conversion. There are some who suggest it was a recurring temptation or habit which he was unable to break. Regardless of its specific nature, it was a constant reminder that he needed God every day.
For me, my people pleasing nature is constantly concerned that I am not “good enough” for others and, in response, I am always pushing myself to make sure that they are happy with my performance. This can be a great motivator for self-improvement, but it is also a Detriment to self-confidence and mental health. When someone questions my work or my decision (which is ok), my first thought is that I didn’t do it well enough. When a boss reviews my work, I always go into the reviews thinking that they are looking for what I have done wrong or Where my inadequacies are, rather than the more accurate mindset that they are looking for ways to help me improve my performance and productivity. In my personal relationships, I find that tend to fear that I will fall short of others’ expectations of me and that their love or respect for me will be affected by my shortcomings.
The transition I am going through now has brought much of this to the forefront. On the surface, I have retired from a career of more than 20 years but, as I look to what comes next, my confidence wavers frequently in my ability to provide something of value to my clients and do something significant with the next step in my career. I also fear that I will let my family down as a provider and leader in our home. Often the fear that I will make the wrong choice, or that I will otherwise screw up, freezes me completely. I, sometimes, am so convinced that I will make a mistake in judgement or execution, that I feel I should just make a mistake right away to get it out of the way. Many days I simply don’t know what my next move is, yet I am overwhelmed with the sense that I must make one.
It may seem counter-intuitive to write about these fears and weaknesses as I attempt to convince future clients that I do have something of value to improve their lives and potential for their careers. On the other hand, it is precisely the fact that I have struggled with these doubts and moved forward that I am able to guide others through the doubts they may have.
Truth be told, we all have weaknesses and those weaknesses sometimes consume us, and often obstruct us from reaching the potential that we have ahead of us. The objective is to understand our weaknesses and use them as a source of motivation and self awareness. Some weaknesses may be turned to strengths. Others, like Paul’s stay with us for our entire lives and serve to remind us that we cannot do this alone. Like Paul, I have prayed many time that God take my weakness from me and let me have the confidence I need to succeed in whatever endeavor I am currently involved in. Like Paul, I am reminded that His grace is sufficient and My success is not determined by me and my efforts alone, but by my faith in He who strengthens me.
