On the first anniversary of my accident I am reflecting on what I thought at the time was the bottom. “Nowhere to go but up,” I thought. It took a couple of days to process what had happened and to get past the feeling that I might not survive. Next came the hope that I could fully recover and that was followed by determination that I would do so. What I learned is that physical pain and healing is nothing compared to emotional injury.
Unfortunately, that was not the worst day of my life, or even the worst day of the year.
I don’t need to go into more details of all that, as I have posted much of that part of the story before. I need to delve into two things that I have learned. First, things can always get worse, and they often do. Second, if you count on people too much, they will let you down.
Second things first; all people have a limit as to how much they can tolerate. Their individual limits can fluctuate based on what is going on in their own lives. There have been many times when I was at, or near, my limit and have chosen to take my own stress out of my mind so I could help a friend with theirs. Often, I think, it is easier to deal with someone else’s baggage than our own. There have also been times when I have had to pull away from friendships because the weight of theirs was too much to add to the weight of mine and I could not off-load it without off-loading them. Some of these friendships never recovered from that and some of them were rekindled years later, but never to the same degree.
Reverse that and we find that putting too much strain on friendships will erode them until they completely disappear. When this happens suddenly you get two results. The sudden loss of friendships that you counted on leaves you with a devastating feeling of loss. Feelings of isolation and abandonment overwhelm you and you sink into feelings of depression, especially if you suffer from complex PTSD (which often comes about from small events throughout one’s life rather than one definitive event). Also, if you have put too much reliance on your support system, you find that you suddenly do not have one. This exaggerates the feelings of isolation and magnifies everything else that you are going through at the time.
Things can always get worse. I think of the old joke: “it could be worse; it could be raining.” And then, of course, it starts raining. It seems that asking what else could possibly go wrong is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is a question that you are bound to get an answer to and it will not be pleasant. I recall lying in the hospital, grateful to be alive, and thinking about how I was going to work to recover physically, to run again, and how I would go from this place to new heights… somehow. However, I started dwelling on what else could go wrong and it did. Once you start spiraling through this, it becomes increasingly difficult to move up and forward.
I’m learning two things from all this. First, asking what could go wrong next and expecting things to go wrong are the same thing. Instead, ask where to go from wherever you are and take one step. If it doesn’t work out, start again, and again, and again. As many time as it takes, but focus on how to move forward from where you are and not on what might go wrong.
Second, people are fallible and they may let you down. It’s great to have a support system of friends and loved ones, but if you ask more of them than they are able to provide it will collapse. You have to be able to be your own support system or to be able to find another one. Most insurance will cover a certain amount of counseling or therapy and they are trained to help you through whatever you are going through. Don’t hesitate to get help from a trained professional before you put too much on your friends. Don’t be afraid to let people go. If they want to leave your life, you can’t chase after them. If they choose to be away from you, it might be that they need to. It might be what’s best for you as well. Your true friends will surround you with love and encouragement. That may come form places you don’t expect and it may take time to show up.
Truth be told, maybe it won’t get worse (but it might) and maybe the people in your life will hold fast and give you exactly the support you need you need when you need it (but they might not), and it helps to have a backup plan because if you don’t have one and you need one, it’s a hard fall. Worse than getting hit by a train.
