Many years ago my mother had a dream of my life. That dream is the inspiration for the painting pictured above. Although the path I take in the dream, and in my life, is often difficult and fraught with obstacles, I have always believed that I serve a higher purpose for which I have been designed and created. I believe we all are.
In recent months I have been unsure of where I am on my path. I thought I was climbing up the cliff to some unseen precipice, but recent events have led me to question that. I believed that I had a support system of family and friends that I could count on unconditionally. I have learned that there are conditions and limits to that and I, unfortunately, pushed the limits of those conditions.
I was let go from the part of my job I loved the most. At least I still had my job. I was falsely accused and then lied about so that I had to retire early and wasn’t sure where to go next. At least I had my health. I was in an accident in which I was hit by a train. I’ll recover and at least I had my human support system. Then, in one weekend, the entire thing came crashing down and I no longer have my friends, and my family is in jeopardy. I lost my faith and my trust in people, as well as myself. I am angry and frustrated. Once I got to the point that I was considering letting go of life, I knew that I needed to get help.
Two weeks into a six week therapy program I am finally able to find the words to begin to express what is going on in my head. I have three important reasons to write all this and to share it with those interested enough to read it. First, writing helps me process through my thoughts and emotions. Second, I need to record my thoughts while they are fresh so that I can recognize improvement and growth. Finally, and this (I hope) is the most significant, I have felt incredibly alone and I know that I’m not, so I write this so that others will know that they are not alone. I hope that this helps someone, somewhere, know that they are not alone and if you read this and think “I feel that way” I hope you reach out to someone for help and support. Call your doctor. Call a therapist or a counselor. Call a best friend. If you can’t call them, contact me and I will talk to you.
For the first time in several weeks, I feel that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly, I can’t see it yet, but I am beginning to see a thinning to the darkness. After my accident, I was determined to get healthy enough to start running again and to run a marathon one year later. Because of the pandemic the marathon was cancelled. My training was not going as I had hoped and I backed off to regroup and redirect. Sometimes you have to know when to stop and change direction… or speed… or to simply reset.
This week I stepped back and redirected my efforts, physically and emotionally. I have no illusions about how difficult the road ahead will be. I still have some unfinished business concerning my accident and I don’t know what to expect. If it is anything like what the last year has brought, it will likely be worse than expected. My second intended marathon will reveal this week whether or not it will also be cancelled, but I’m doing my best to train anyway. I’m still mostly training on my own because I just don’t yet feel able to handle social situations. I hope I will soon be able to run with friends again. I’m trying to do some work to bring in a little income over my retirement, and I hope to be able to find work again by the beginning of the year, after the pandemic allows us to get back to normal… whatever that is.
As I looked at the painting today, once again reflecting on where I am on that path I took in the dream, it occurred to me that I had fallen from the cliff I was climbing. I am currently laying on my back on the beach, with the wind knocked out of me, gasping for breath. I am past the moment where I am certain I will die. I am beginning to catch my breath and realizing that I am going to have to get back up soon and start the climb once again. I still have a higher purpose and I don’t get to let it go. I have to go get it.
Truth be told, I have always been the one people come to for support, rather than the one needing so much. I am determined to be that support for others again. My new career will include public speaking, mentoring, and writing. I am certain that’s where I am going, but I cannot yet see the path to get there. My youngest daughter tells me that she knows I will touch more peoples’ lives in this new way. We all need someone who tells us that… who believes in us. Sometimes they are hard to find and we have to have a plan to get through when the people we count on can’t be there for us. I didn’t have such a plan, so I’m learning to make one. It will take time and effort. If anything I go through helps you, then I will have served my purpose.
I wrote what is below this morning using an “I Am” template I stumbled across. If you would like to use it for your own truth, take the first two words of each line and fill in the rest with your own. The last line of each stanza is the same as the first line of the poem. We all have our own story to tell. Tell yours.
Bold and Afraid
I am bold and afraid
I wonder how to move forward
I hear silence
I see darkness
I want light
I am bold and afraid
I pretend to be strong
I feel like hiding
I touch nothing
I worry nothing is all there is
I cry aloud
I am bold and afraid
I understand life goes on
I say I have hope
I dream of a future
I try to take a step
I hope I don’t fall
I am bold and afraid
